5 years

5 years. There’s nothing I can say that I haven’t said before. Perhaps some think “Why say anything then?” Maybe I shouldn’t. Acknowledging the worst day of my life on social media. What exactly is the point? I suppose there are multiple reasons for me and all of my public sharing. First and foremost, I…

What Would You Look Like?

You would be a man.  Your 18th birthday is just 18 days away.  A Man.  What would you look like?  I look at your sweet, innocent face in my pictures from just days before you died.  So young.  So happy.  So sweet.  So innocent.  My boy.  My wonderful, beautiful boy. What would you look like…

Grief and Gratitude

As I drove home this afternoon, I was listening to a Christmas song that made me think of Nolan.  I said aloud, ‘I miss you Nolan.”  And it hit me that this will be our fifth Thanksgiving, our fifth Christmas, our fifth  holiday season without him.  How can that be?   5 years seems so…

The Pictures of You

The pictures of you cause so much longing in me.  I long for those days to return.  I long for you to exist here and now in these days.  I long to see how you would look at the age of 17, nearly 18, years old.  I long to know if we would have fought…

Sometimes I Feel Like Smacking People

I know that’s not a very nice way to feel.   And honestly, I don’t even blame them for their normal-ness.  By normal, I mean missing a child who has went to college, missing a spouse who is on a business trip, missing someone who is still alive. Yes, I want to smack them. Because…

Handling Everything or Not?

I’m often told by friends and acquaintances that they don’t know how I do everything. What they don’t realize is that I don’t?  My house is a disaster.  Seriously.  Not just a little messy.  A DISASTER. I’m more overwhelmed than usual lately because:  my oven doesn’t work;  my dryer doesn’t work;  my fridge just stopped…

The Question that is Never Answered

This is one of those days where I look at my pictures of Nolan on Facebook and the unfairness of life slaps me in the face.  I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the unfairness that exists.   I have a friend who lost her 4 year old daughter from a brain tumor five years…

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts every time I look at a picture of your beautiful face.  I get the exact same physical feeling permeating through my chest, up into my throat.  It’s kind of a chill almost.  Physical.  Each. Time.  I. Look. At. You.  and then I know I won’t really see you again….  I feel it….

Chronic Health Issues after Trauma

I read an interested article recently on how children who suffered from something traumatic often had chronic health issues in adulthood.  It makes a lot of sense to me.  Honestly, I think anyone who has suffered from something severe enough to call it PTSD will suffer chronically somehow. Since Nolan’s death, I have been ill…

Exhaustion

I miss my son.  I keep myself so distracted and so busy, that sometimes I forget that I do. Do I mean that I REALLY forget?  Of course not….  But I like to keep my brain busy with other things so I can’t dwell on how much I miss him, how much of a hole…

I just asked Ella if she remembers Nolan spending time with her.  She says she does.  But I can’t help but wonder.  She turned 2 just eleven days before he died.  And it’s been 4 years.   She just asked me how old she was when he spent time with her.  And I said, “Well,…

Social Media Guilt

I’m one of those people who change my profile and cover pictures frequently on social media.  It’s kind of like changing outfits…. I figure I want to wear something different sometimes. Since Nolan’s death nearly 4.5 years ago, at least one of the two (profile or cover) include him.  Usually.  Perhaps on Mothers’ Day, I…