The Pictures of You

The pictures of you cause so much longing in me.  I long for those days to return.  I long for you to exist here and now in these days.  I long to see how you would look at the age of 17, nearly 18, years old.  I long to know if we would have fought…

Sometimes I Feel Like Smacking People

I know that’s not a very nice way to feel.   And honestly, I don’t even blame them for their normal-ness.  By normal, I mean missing a child who has went to college, missing a spouse who is on a business trip, missing someone who is still alive. Yes, I want to smack them. Because…

Handling Everything or Not?

I’m often told by friends and acquaintances that they don’t know how I do everything. What they don’t realize is that I don’t?  My house is a disaster.  Seriously.  Not just a little messy.  A DISASTER. I’m more overwhelmed than usual lately because:  my oven doesn’t work;  my dryer doesn’t work;  my fridge just stopped…

The Question that is Never Answered

This is one of those days where I look at my pictures of Nolan on Facebook and the unfairness of life slaps me in the face.  I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the unfairness that exists.   I have a friend who lost her 4 year old daughter from a brain tumor five years…

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts every time I look at a picture of your beautiful face.  I get the exact same physical feeling permeating through my chest, up into my throat.  It’s kind of a chill almost.  Physical.  Each. Time.  I. Look. At. You.  and then I know I won’t really see you again….  I feel it….

Chronic Health Issues after Trauma

I read an interested article recently on how children who suffered from something traumatic often had chronic health issues in adulthood.  It makes a lot of sense to me.  Honestly, I think anyone who has suffered from something severe enough to call it PTSD will suffer chronically somehow. Since Nolan’s death, I have been ill…

Exhaustion

I miss my son.  I keep myself so distracted and so busy, that sometimes I forget that I do. Do I mean that I REALLY forget?  Of course not….  But I like to keep my brain busy with other things so I can’t dwell on how much I miss him, how much of a hole…

I just asked Ella if she remembers Nolan spending time with her.  She says she does.  But I can’t help but wonder.  She turned 2 just eleven days before he died.  And it’s been 4 years.   She just asked me how old she was when he spent time with her.  And I said, “Well,…

Social Media Guilt

I’m one of those people who change my profile and cover pictures frequently on social media.  It’s kind of like changing outfits…. I figure I want to wear something different sometimes. Since Nolan’s death nearly 4.5 years ago, at least one of the two (profile or cover) include him.  Usually.  Perhaps on Mothers’ Day, I…

My Husband’s Words

My husband delivered the eulogy at Nolan’s funeral.   I’ve had people ask me for a copy of it since then & for some reason, I could never get it to pull up.  He saved it in his google drive which meant when he emailed it to me, I couldn’t access it on my old…

I Know It’s Wrong….

When people post on Facebook about their “miracles” or their child getting over something major or the “close call,”  I can’t help it.  I’m pissed.  I’m angry.  I’m jealous. It’s not that I would wish the bad stuff to happen to my friends or their families, their children.  It’s not that. But it is SO…

I’m a Liar

When Nolan died, I really wanted my faith to help me.  I attempted to pray.  For Lent that first year, I attempted to pray the Divine Mercy prayer daily.   I think I even said I would read the bible.  It’s been four long years, so I can’t remember for sure. It didn’t help though….