Fear and What to Do with It

Sometimes the happenings of the world, like mass shootings and so on, make me want to crawl into my bed and stay there.  And while I’m at it, lock my children in the house to keep them safe as well.   Of course, things happen at home too.   Carbon monoxide poison, mold, fires, robberies,…

I’m Different

Death of a child changes the parent. Everything you ever believed has been shattered.  Your world is shattered.  Your heart is shattered.   What do you do about it? Some wallow and wallow and never find their way out of the deep mnck of grief.  It’s understandable to do that.  I believe that some wallowing…

The Growing Up Part of It

Logan is almost 13…. he was only 6 when you died. Kids are going to prom. They were little back then. Some are adults.  In college. Soon there will be marriages and babies. Someday Ella will be 13. Yes Life continues on and on and on. And you are dead.  You are buried beneath the…

Your Death F…ed Us All Up

It’s not your fault my sweet son. But your death really fucked us all up. For example, I rarely said Fuck before you died.   Now, however, there’s a lot of anger, angst, and anxiety in me and saying Fuck kind of helps.   That may be minimizing the mess, but it’s just a little…

Alone

Do you ever feel alone?  Like really, really, really alone?  Mostly it’s a matter of not being able to tell someone every single thing you want to tell them.  Mostly it’s that keeping in of a few things…  You can’t tell friend X about 123 because she may judge you or judge 123.  You barely…

The Horrors We Relive

Sometimes in the middle of all of the grief and ugliness, you forget that other people have experienced equally horrible things in life.   You are wrapped up in your own distorted life.  Then you stop, take a breath, and remember those other people.  And you remember to be a little more kind when you…

Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings movies are my all-time favorite movies.  The book is probably in my top 10, if not 10, 15.  I’ve read the epic novel at least 3 times.   I love to re-read books that are special to me.  I’ve read the harry potter books probably 8 times.  I’ve read Les…

Be Compassionate

I sometimes wish we could all know each others battles that we are fighting so that, perhaps, there could be more understanding between people. Understanding for the fact that we all handle these battles differently. For some, people need solitude and quiet; others need camaraderie and noise; most probably need a combination of the two….

depressed

i’m feeling overly emotional today.  so much going on.  i keep crying.

Shaped by Our Past

I was thinking today about why I am a little cold-hearted about some things.   See, a visiting family member has major issues.  And my spouse invited him to stay with us indefinitely.  I’m not happy about it on a lot of levels.  I won’t even begin to discuss here how that is a very strong depiction of a failing…