I’m Tired, Angry, Stressed, Sad

I’m tired, angry, stressed, sad. Government program… $3000 owed because of THEIR mistake…. STRESS PAPERWORK… This time of year, the moms who are saying “Oh my baby going to wherever…. Oh how will I handle it?  blah blah blah….”    I read these and think SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP…. Because, you know, my son is dead and I…

Divided We Fall 2020

  I tend to stay away from posting about divisive issues on Facebook.  I’m a peace-loving hippie sort of gal who tends to fall middle of the road on a lot of things.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have very firm beliefs about things, but I can often see both sides of those things.  I…

It’s Been Awhile

The world is a mess right now.  As an aspiring writer, shouldn’t I be writing about it?  I’m not.  I’m not sure I’m a writer anymore. But let’s talk 2020…. Pandemic. Covid-19 Coronavirus Stay Home Order Shut Down Murder Hornets Stimulus Checks. PUA Unemployment for Independent Contractors Masks are Mandatory at lots of places. People…

Fear and What to Do with It

Sometimes the happenings of the world, like mass shootings and so on, make me want to crawl into my bed and stay there.  And while I’m at it, lock my children in the house to keep them safe as well.   Of course, things happen at home too.   Carbon monoxide poison, mold, fires, robberies,…

I’m Different

Death of a child changes the parent. Everything you ever believed has been shattered.  Your world is shattered.  Your heart is shattered.   What do you do about it? Some wallow and wallow and never find their way out of the deep mnck of grief.  It’s understandable to do that.  I believe that some wallowing…

The Growing Up Part of It

Logan is almost 13…. he was only 6 when you died. Kids are going to prom. They were little back then. Some are adults.  In college. Soon there will be marriages and babies. Someday Ella will be 13. Yes Life continues on and on and on. And you are dead.  You are buried beneath the…

Your Death F…ed Us All Up

It’s not your fault my sweet son. But your death really fucked us all up. For example, I rarely said Fuck before you died.   Now, however, there’s a lot of anger, angst, and anxiety in me and saying Fuck kind of helps.   That may be minimizing the mess, but it’s just a little…

Alone

Do you ever feel alone?  Like really, really, really alone?  Mostly it’s a matter of not being able to tell someone every single thing you want to tell them.  Mostly it’s that keeping in of a few things…  You can’t tell friend X about 123 because she may judge you or judge 123.  You barely…

The Horrors We Relive

Sometimes in the middle of all of the grief and ugliness, you forget that other people have experienced equally horrible things in life.   You are wrapped up in your own distorted life.  Then you stop, take a breath, and remember those other people.  And you remember to be a little more kind when you…

Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings movies are my all-time favorite movies.  The book is probably in my top 10, if not 10, 15.  I’ve read the epic novel at least 3 times.   I love to re-read books that are special to me.  I’ve read the harry potter books probably 8 times.  I’ve read Les…