Here’s what I wrote:
As I look at these memories that come across my Facebook newsfeed daily, I’m often glad to be reminded of little things I forgot. For example, yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of us adding our cat Strider to our family.
Then again, I’m often sad.
Today, I read this status of mine from 2012 & I cannot help but feel sick knowing that THIS bug could be the one that killed Nolan… We don’t know. We won’t ever know.
That is the truly shitty thing about Myocarditis.
It can be caused by just an every day bug. A bug that the entire family may have had could have decided to “go haywire” (my doctor’s words) and attack Nolan’s heart. We had a couple bugs that fall, early winter, that hit our family. I always question those days.
Liam asked me today to explain Myocarditis to him. He said, “Well, at least no one can blame themselves for it.” But the thing is, I do blame myself for all sorts of reasons. I can’t help but think “What if we hadn’t gone WHEREVER it was that we went that we picked up that virus?” It could have been a different one. We were around various viruses the week of Christmas as well.
That’s the other thing about Myocarditis: some people who’ve suffered a loss from this will say their kid got sick and died five days later; others will say it was weeks earlier; others don’t remember their child being sick beforehand. It’s the most sad, disturbing, unfair thing. I’m sorry if there are some of you out there on my friends list who don’t GET the fact that I won’t ever get over this, but I won’t. I have days that I’m better at dealing with it than others. I have days that I feel angrier than others. I have days that I’m in more tears than others. I think most of you do understand. And for that, Thank you.