I No Longer Like Sleeping Photos

1549406_10152102838262278_185239566_nI have taken a vast amount of photographs of my children sleeping through my motherhood years.  I’ve always loved to see their precious, innocent faces while they sleep.

I feel differently now.

When I look at the sleeping photos of all five of my children, I cannot help but be reminded of finding Nolan dead in his bed, sleeping permanently.  Walking in that room on that morning, that day of HELL, seeing that his face looked an abnormal shade after Liam yelled to me that “Something is wrong with Nolan.”

Although I felt concerned when I heard Liam’s words, I never imagined I would find my precious son, who went to bed seemingly healthy the night before, dead.   I never imagined that Liam already knew what I didn’t know, that Nolan was lost to us forever.  That he wouldn’t’ wake from this sleep.

So now, when I see sleeping images, I think of Nolan’s death face and the hell that commenced from that moment on.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    It has been many years since my son died – the image of his face in death is still there and I suffered for a long time with PSTD. Your feelings are completely understandable and I used to feel the same way watching my other children while sleeping.
    Eventually, the agony wore off and I am praying it will for you also. My other children kept me going.
    I think it’s helpful that you are able to express your feelings this way. I didn’t write much when I was going through the worst of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It definitely was PTSD in that first year or more. I couldn’t stop those images from bombarding me. It happens less often now

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      1. Judy says:

        For many years I called it “the opera of my son’s death.” The entire death scene would play for me over and over again. I couldn’t grasp that it was real and it was like torture. Thankfully, it finally subsided. I am so sorry for what you are going through – it is fresh and raw. No one can imagine it. And you have other children as I did. It is hard to be a mom when your heart is shattered. And yet – it is all there is.

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  2. I feel exactly the same way. I remember one time when Órla was in hospital to get IVs and she was extremely thin at this time (about 6 months b4 her death) when she was sleeping she looked so still and not at all peaceful, I remember bursting into tears thinking this was what she would look like when she really had died. Little did I know how worse it could be. I hate that image and wish I could remember how she looked on that hospital trip.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll look at my other children now, when they are asleep, and there’s just a cloud now. I see the sleep with a fear that never was there before.

      Liked by 1 person

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