What Should Have Been


When Nolan was alive, he was a creative, fun-loving, entertaining young man.  I wanted so much to get him involved in some sort of acting.  I knew he would flourish in such a setting.  I remember finding a couple of groups for kids that sounded fantastic, but they were all quite a long drive.  We never seemed to have reliable transportation.  So I never wanted to spend the money only to have us not be able to make the trip.  So it never happened.  and he died.

It’s been three years since his death.  His younger sister, Ciara, is so much like him when it comes to theatrics.  She’s creative and expressive and loves theater.

So I started hunting, again, for theater.  And after deliberation, we climbed aboard a group this Winter that yes, was a long drive.  Last night was the final show of the group’s play, Shrek the Musical.  I watched Ciara flourish on stage in a role with ZERO lines, but flourishing nonetheless as a supporting character.  She smiled.  She looked happy.  It was wonderful and beautiful.  And I’m so happy to have taken the leap with her.

I felt bittersweet throughout the show though.  The lead was played by a boy from Nolan’s scout troop.  He was awesome in his role of Shrek.  I couldn’t help but imagine Nolan playing that role.  He would have been brilliant up there.  Or… he would have been enjoying the show with his family in the audience.

Either way, he should have been there.  So many things have this bittersweet sort of tinge to them now.



One Comment Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    I feel your sadness and remember that feeling – I watched the milestones of children who were the same age as my son who died. I wondered a lot what he would have been like, but came to the conclusion that he would always be the age of when he died. “Frozen in time” is my description. But eventually, I was able to just hold onto his memory without wondering anymore.
    So sorry for your pain and grief.

    Liked by 1 person

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