I’m feeling sad today. Oh of course, every day there is sadness. But today, the emotions seem to be lying right beneath the surface.
I actually woke up cheerfully. We slept late which is always nice. Then my husband did something to annoy me and it just turned my mood when then descended in a downward spiral.
Now I’m sitting here with tears glistening in my eyes. I’m feeling my tiredness. I’m feeling the burden that weighs upon my heart, my broken heart.
I’m often asked how I manage to be so busy with my kids. And the truth of the matter is that the busy-ness keeps my mind busy. If my mind is busy, it doesn’t have time to focus on the void. It keeps me from thinking too much about Nolan.
I want to think about Nolan. But a part of me doesn’t want to. It hurts. When I think of him, I nearly always cry. I can’t really function if I’m crying all the time. So I stay busy.
I take kids to a million different activities. I do yoga. I sign up for 5K’s and think about how to get ready for the big day. I go to moms’ night out. I watch tv. I read books. I stay busy. In the first year or two after Nolan’s death, I immersed myself in gardening, decluttering, painting the house, finishing the basement, organizing things. Yes, I stay busy.
That’s the only way I have found to function with a broken heart.