How Do You Function with a Broken Heart?

Screen Shot 2015-08-19 at 4.42.40 PMI’m feeling sad today.  Oh of course, every day there is sadness.  But today, the emotions seem to be lying right beneath the surface.

I actually woke up cheerfully.  We slept late which is always nice.  Then my husband did something to annoy me and it just turned my mood when then descended in a downward spiral.

Now I’m sitting here with tears glistening in my eyes.  I’m feeling my tiredness.  I’m feeling the burden that weighs upon my heart, my broken heart.

I’m often asked how I manage to be so busy with my kids.  And the truth of the matter is that the busy-ness keeps my mind busy.  If my mind is busy, it doesn’t have time to focus on the void.  It keeps me from thinking too much about Nolan.

I want to think about Nolan.  But a part of me doesn’t want to.  It hurts.  When I think of him, I nearly always cry.  I can’t really function if I’m crying all the time.  So I stay busy.

I take kids to a million different activities.  I do yoga.  I sign up for 5K’s and think about how to get ready for the big day.  I go to moms’ night out.  I watch tv.  I read books.  I stay busy.  In the first year or two after Nolan’s death, I immersed myself in gardening, decluttering, painting the house, finishing the basement, organizing things.   Yes, I stay busy.

That’s the only way I have found to function with a broken heart.

Advertisements

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    I was very busy raising my children and my grief lurked below the surface. I’m sorry because I remember it so well. There wasn’t really any peaceful moments. And I felt so flawed as a mother because I was so sad and couldn’t really impart joy upon my kids.
    But eventually I just got used to the sadness. It was like a constant companion. I thought that would never change and I accepted it.
    It was a miracle that one day I was able to feel happy again. I still cannot believe it happened. I pray that will happen for you. Just know – it isn’t hopeless. I remember that I thought it was once.
    Thinking of you. . .

    Like

    1. I can relate to this so much. I do feel like i am such a flawed mother now. Oh sure, I was flawed before too, but Now….. Yes, I don’t really ever feel joyful anymore. I smile. i feel happy at times, but JOY?

      Like

      1. Judy says:

        It’s something no one else could understand unless they’ve lost a child. I remember crying tears as I nursed my daughter who was born only a year after my son died. I was so grateful for her, but the tears carried my sadness over missing Jason. I think there’s almost a sense of guilt to be happy again so soon. It took me a long time to let go of that. In the meantime, the preciousness of my other children was heightened because I felt like I could lose them, too. It was horrible – seeing them sleeping and imagining they died.
        One day, I hope you will feel joy again.

        Like

  2. Oh how I know this feeling, on the outside my friends think I have a great life of travelling now. I have been on three cruises with another booked, several weekends abroad, two trips to Canada, Prague, Iceland, carribean – I’m just living the life – or am I? If I don’t keep busy I will go back to those first days when Órla passed when I wanted to join her and I can never go back there. I still cry a lot I still have my bad days but in general by keeping busy I can distract myself for a time. Life is so very hard now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. exactly. i have to keep busy. then i feel bad because i don’t cry as often.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s