Do you ever do this?
I’ve seen myself do it sometimes. I can’t say it is on purpose. It’s not. I thrive on social interactions, fun distracting conversations. Yes, distracting. Being with people is distracting from the pain.
But sometimes, I just don’t have the energy to be a good friend. I see it in myself. The lack of energy. It’s not a lack of caring. Inside my tired, grief-worn head, I sometimes am telling myself that I need to be better, but the lack of energy wins.
Why is grief so physically and mentally draining, even after 3.5 years? I think that it is just the weight of it. The weight is ALWAYS there.
I guess that is one of those things people who haven’t lost a child don’t understand is just how there is this heaviness. It’s silent; it’s invisible. And after time, you’d think it would shrivel up and go away. But it doesn’t. Oh sure, I admit that sometimes the weight presses more than others. I can almost forget it is there sometimes when I’m in the middle of a crazy day. But it’s there.
There are days I just read messages from a friend, a friend whose life is still “normal” and whose family is complete and I just am too tired to respond. There are days when I see a group of friends and I don’t have the energy to join in the fun. There are days when I want to be a good hostess and I can’t muster up the enthusiasm to do so. There are days I know I should talk to my mom about stuff, but I don’t.
I push people away. Friends. Good people. People I care about.