The Ugliness of a Grieving Mother’s Jealousy

Screen Shot 2015-08-20 at 9.14.36 AMSo many times I hear of “good news” about someone who has survived something due to a “miracle” or God being so “good” and I feel some very ugly thoughts.  It’s not that I wish this same hell on anyone, but I don’t get the unfairness of it.  And I never will.

I’m often faced with this on Facebook in various ways, but one that stands out is a group for both survivors and victims of Myocarditis.  Myocarditis killed my son in his sleep.  My beautiful, HEALTHY, 13-year old son.  Yet….  on this stupid page, there are people who have survived.   Many of them live now healthy normal lives.

And I can’t help but think:  WHY?  Why did they get a chance at survival?  Why didn’t we have the opportunity to save Nolan?

So when someone is posting about their good news from their latest check-up, I have ugly thoughts.

It’s not just on this group.  There are other times that I see someone’s good fortune and I’m angry, jealous.  (by good fortune, I mean health-wise)

Yet, I do have a heart.  Twice this week I cried at the news of sadness.  One was the story of a friend’s acquaintance who died because her horse fell upon her during a rodeo.  The girl was only 12.  Second, someone at my gym shared the news that her 1 year old cousin has cancer.  I didn’t hear details.  I don’t know the prognosis.  But the thought of a poor little one-year old suffering made me so sad.

I feel angry at the world, at God, wondering why these terrible things happen.

I feel contempt for those who chalk the good stuff up to God when we used to pray every single night for the health of our children to lose Nolan the way we did.

I’m cynical now, cynical, angry, and jealous.  And it’s an ugly way to be.

Screen Shot 2015-08-20 at 9.08.45 AM

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    I sense your anger. I remember being so angry during the worst part of my grief. What happened to Nolan was ugly. Turning the ugliness upon yourself as a weekness because you have the “inability to dismiss it” sounds harsh.
    To me, I would love to hear you giving yourself as much compassion as possible. You have suffered a horrible loss. All of your feelings are understandable and okay – even jealous ones. I am so sorry – I remember the ache so well.
    One day, the anger will subside. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally understand and feel this way too at times

    Liked by 1 person

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