I Don’t Like Myself Sometimes

I’ve written before (either here or on one of my other blogs) about how ugly my jealousy has been since Nolan’s death.  It makes me feel like a truly evil person at times how much I struggle with bad thoughts when I hear of other people going through a difficult time.

If I hear that someone’s child is in the hospital and needs prayers, I just feel like WHY SHOULD THEY GET A CHANCE?

It’s not that I truly want anything bad to happen to someone else’s child… It’s not.

But the unfairness of it all just overwhelms me at times.  Nolan’s death was completely and totally unfair.  I sound like a broken record here, but seriously, my thirteen year old son went to bed seemingly healthy and he died in his sleep.  We had no warning.  We had no chance to save him.  We didn’t get to say goodbye.


Then, since then, person after person after person shares their story of their miraculous child who lived after some frightening event, illness, etc.

And I’m angry and jealous and yes, very ugly inside.

I’m also annoyed, often annoyed, with friends sobbing over children away at college or on a trip or moving across the country.  Poor them.

This is why I have this blog because I write my thoughts here in cyberspace.  I can get these horrible ugly feelings off of my chest.  Then…. I go about my life as a “normal” human being and friend who DOES empathize with my friends who are sad about their child leaving for camp, college, marriage.

And I do.  I get it.  I understand.  I have one friend who often says to me, “I feel bad complaining to you because what I’m going through isn’t even close to what you have gone through.”  And I’m grateful she gets it.  But…. I also tell her, “I wouldn’t be a good friend if you couldn’t talk to me.”

And it’s true.  I am not ALWAYS angry, jealous, annoyed.  I just have those moments that slip into my head.  Those moments that seem to take over for a bit.  Then they subside.  Honestly, writing about it here often helps.  I get it out of my system.  I breathe deeply.  Then I go back to being a GOOD PERSON.

Because…. I am a good person.  I’ve dealt with something that no parent should have to.  And it wreaks havoc on me at times.  But I’m still the same good person here beneath the grief.   I still care about my friends and what they are going through.  I still care and wish them all the best in the world.  I still care and hope for good things for them.  I do.

I just wish that Nolan hadn’t died.  That’s what it all boils down to.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    You are a good person and I don’t think any bereaved parent hasn’t felt those feelings. Acknowledging them is healthy.
    Grief is a horror, and the ugliness just overwhelms us. Those thoughts are a byproduct. You are right; if only Nolan had lived you wouldn’t be thinking those things.
    Please extend compassion to yourself for what you have been through. You are not a bad person – you are suffering with an amputated soul.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amputated soul…. I think that’s the first time I’ve heard it put that way. So true!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. wieckling says:

    From one bereaved mum to another – I totally get where you are coming from. I feel like this too on particular days. I feel cheated that my son Jacob doesn’t get to do the things that his friends are doing as they post stuff on Facebook, and I start asking the ‘why’ questions when I read about other young adolescent getting cured of Ewing’s Sarcoma – the type of cancer Jacob had, why was his type more aggressive, why didn’t he respond as well? Thanks for sharing your words

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss! Yes, I’m on a Facebook group page for people who’ve either lost someone to Myocarditis or those who’ve experienced it and survived. And I just can’t handle reading the survivor’s posts. It’s so hard for me to understand

      Liked by 1 person

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