After All This Time….


It really hasn’t been that long.  1313 days.  3 years, 7 months, 5 days.

Of course, it feels like it has been a lifetime since I’ve seen you, hugged you goodnight, heard you say, “I Love you Mom.”

1313 days since I lost you, my precious 13 year old son.

Some may think, “Why the hell doesn’t she just get over it already?”    Or… “Does she really need to keep wallowing in her grief?”

Here’s the thing.  I really don’t wallow in my grief that often.  Occasionally, I give in and allow myself those moments where I just sink down low in my thoughts.  Mostly, I keep moving because I have to.  I have four other children who need their momma.  So I keep moving.  I keep busy.  Busy is the key.

But ya know what?  Grief is incredibly exhausting.  It’s always weighing on me.  Always.  So when I’m sitting in book club or a meeting or running or cooking dinner or shopping at costco, there’s this heavy burden.  Sometimes it’s so far beneath the surface that I don’t actually realize it’s there.   I even enjoy myself sometimes.  (Imagine that?)  Other times it’s so close to the surface that I cannot believe that whomever I happen to be with doesn’t see it in my face.

And so, when I’m expected to act like a normal grown up or mother or teacher or friend or wife or daughter, sometimes it’s all I can do to put on a grown-up face.

I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, though I do know people do.  I mean, Hell, I used to feel sorry for parents who lost a child when I would think, “I can’t imagine.  I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”   I had those exact thoughts when my friend, Stephanie’s, four year old niece died just a few months before Nolan.  I was so sad.  I had never even met the child.  But as a parent, I was overwhelmed with sympathy and sadness.  And I said to Patrick, “How can they handle it?”  (talking about the parents)

But even though I’m not asking for pity, I guess sometimes I feel like I need more understanding…. Why can’t the world give me a pass on grown-up duties?  Huh?  Seriously, sometimes I’m faced with just something normal, you know a bill or a hassle with an insurance company or taxes, and I think, “My brain just can’t quite focus on this.” Yet… it still has to!  I still have to focus.  And honestly, it is so difficult to do sometimes.

Sometimes I’m so tired.

Yes, even after all of this time.  1313 days.  3 years, 7 months, and 5 days.




One Comment Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    You expressed it so well and I’m sorry for your pain. It is unimaginable unless someone has suffered this kind of loss. I would say my personal experience was one of agony for at least five years and after that it eased into something buried. I considered myself a survivor, but would also use the term “walking zombie.” I had zero emotions and felt like a part of me died (part of my soul died with my son).
    I was also busy raising my other children. But one day, I was very amazed that I reached a place of peace. I pray that will happen for you someday. It’s possible, though I never believed it when I was 3 years into my grief.


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