I Miss You Son

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When I think of the young man that you will never grow to be, I am overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all.  Sometimes I still catch myself thinking THIS CAN’T BE TRUE!!!!

It’s been nearly 4 years.

4 freaking years.  4 hellish years.  4 miserable years.  4 anxiety-filled years.  4

I wish I had the faith that holds my husband steady.  I don’t.  My faith was shaky before you died Nolan.  Then add the fact that you were just randomly struck by this unfair heart condition because of an every day virus?  well, yeah, bye bye faith.  Then add in the fact that I begged, begged, begged God for a sign to help me, and he didn’t give me one?  Yeah, see ya later faith.

It sucks.

I want to someday see you again.  Patrick believes he will.  I want to believe.

The alternative is so bleak, dreadful, horrifying.

I miss you everyday my son.  I spend many days busy, busy, busy to where I barely have time to think of you.  it still hurts me so much to think of you.  I want to be at a place where it doesn’t hurt so much.  Instead, I just stay busy.  Or a wallow.  Today I’m wallowing.  I miss you.



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