As we speed toward October and what has traditionally been our favorite time of year, I find myself feeling sad and overwhelmed at unexpected moments. I’m thinking of Nolan a lot right now. Just those moments popping into my head as we pick our pumpkins and ella asks, Why 7? And I have to explain to her that she can’t forget Nolan.
I see kids in their damn homecoming photos, kids that are Nolan’s age. I hear parents talk about their kids looking at colleges. Nolan would be looking at colleges.
Everything is so hard.
I just miss him so much.
The Grief Chronicles 
Something about the seasons changing triggers my grief, too. Autumn feels like death perhaps because my son died in October. My mother died in October, too, which is also hard for me.
I remember him now – not in agony, but with amazement that I have survived his loss. I wonder always about what he might be like. Like you, it was hard watching kids his age grow up.
I am sorry for what you are going through. It doesn’t take away any of the pain knowing it might be easier someday. Thinking of you and glad you are able to write and share your feelings.
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it’s so “in your face” these days with social media… i can’t help but see nolan’s old friends in the prom photos, graduation pics, mom posting “so and so got their driver’s license!”
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I feel your pain, and have your recent post open – I was reading it and debating what I could write.
Four years. That might seem like forever, but on the timeline of grief it is one of the worst of times. The endless ache is probably at it’s worst right now. You’re tired of the unending longing and horror you’ve gone through. I remember that so well.
It always hurts imagining the things he’d be doing – seeing kids his age grow up.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I put on the “happy face,” despite my heartache for many years. I didn’t want my other children to know how sad I was.
But if I can be a beacon for you – I tell you now that this heavy load you’re carrying will lift someday. It will be so gradual, that you won’t notice it. Holiday time won’t carry this level of anguish forever. I promise you.
In the meantime, keep writing. It’s the best outlet and you will see your progress someday.
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Next month will be hard for us too as it will be our first angelversary without our forever 20 year old boy Jacob who we lost on Oct 7th 2015. Miss him so much x
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Everything about that first year is extra hard. I find it hard to believe I’m nearing the 4 year anniversary of losing my 13 year old. It still doesn’t seem real.
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