Plagued by Dark Nighttime Thoughts

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 11.47.27 AMI’ve been struggling the last couple nights as I rest in bed in an anything but restive state.  I’m feeling a sense of foreboding as my breath struggles, my chest feels heavy.  It’s like anxiety, but it’s not.  It’s different.  Which….  then… makes me think, “What’s wrong with me?”  Then I think of Nolan.

I often wonder what sensations he felt before his unexpected death from myocarditis (inflammation of the heart).  He was a healthy 13 year old boy living a healthy 13 year old boy’s life of running, laughing, eating, playing.  And BAM, DEATH!  It crept into my house in the still of that horrible December night.

So my overly hypochondriac mind often goes to a very dark place wondering if I, too, have unknowingly been attacked.  Is my heart failing like his?

Then, my thoughts grow even darker to that place that I try to avoid and have since I was a child.  Death.  Nothingness. No God, no heaven, nothing.

I don’t want that to be the case.  I struggle.  I want faith.  But none of it makes sense.  None of it.  And I lie in bed thinking these thoughts.   Thinking how when we die, we probably just die.  The end.  And I’m scared.  And I’m sad.  And I’m beyond scared.  And I think of life and what I love and never having it again.  And then my chest hurts even more.

 

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    What you wrote makes sense – so much fear and pain. I wish you could leave it all behind. Grief is so much like death.
    Faith is hard. I had none for most of my life. I still have my doubts. I’m always amazed how there are people who have so much faith compared to me.
    But I discovered faith when so many things happened to me over time. I just allowed myself to be open to it.
    Please know that I wish it were easier for you and I am hoping you find peace on your grief journey. I can tell that you very much want to be alive for your loved ones – that was my motivation to go on. Hang in there; it will get easier one day.

    Like

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