Sometimes….

Screen Shot 2015-08-20 at 9.10.47 AMSometimes I will be doing ok.  Life is happening, you know, the living life….  And then I see pictures (or something) regarding someone that is Nolan’s AGE…   And I feel how brutally unfair it all is….

Nolan would be a Junior in high school… dances… driving… dates… ACT’s, SAT’s…. college prep…. fights with mom over curfew….  calculus…. soccer…. track… baseball… friends…. first days of school….

Then suddenly, I’m overwhelmed and I’m tired and I’m sad.  And I realize how crushing it is to my soul that he will NEVER do these things.   And i see pictures and i want to scream and i want to rip the pictures from the screen of my computer and burn them.

I’m angry.

I’m sad.

I’m overwhelmed.

I’m tired.

Everything about it isn’t fair.  And it’s a little funny (not really funny) that life is a bit of a catch-22 now…. I do my best to keep on keeping on by keeping busy… busy means interacting with all the folks living normal lives…. However, what may make me NOT think about the unfairness more is to escape and never see these people again.

Life is so unfair.  Nolan should still be alive.

I hate this so much.

Advertisements

3 Comments Add yours

  1. DB says:

    Isn’t that the truth. It often hits out of left field, catching you off guard too. It’s a crazy hard vicious cycle that somehow keeps on going. There really is nothing more that can be said -it sucks. It is so, so unfair.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. yes, sometimes i feel so repetitive saying how awful it is… because it never stops being awful

      Like

      1. Judy says:

        It is awful. After many, many years – I still wonder about where my son would be if he had lived. It’s strange because he never grows old. He is frozen in time.
        I remember being angry and it was the worst part of my grief. Not that depression, numbness and emptiness is any better. It all sucks.
        But I can say, it did ease into something that was bearable. I wish that for you because when I was where you were – it seemed endless. Never give up hope that one day you will feel better.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s