The Holidays, the Songs, and the Tears

screen-shot-2016-11-23-at-4-17-40-pmTomorrow is the 4th Thanksgiving without Nolan.

I’m sitting in my bedroom, which I am supposed to be cleaning, listening to music (in between the complaints of Liam about doing the dishes), crying.

I had lunch with a friend today and she asked how I was doing.  Of course, what do you say to that when you are enjoying yourself with your friend?  I’m ok.  We talked about the fact that being busy helps.  It’s true.  I don’t know how parents who lose a child do it if they aren’t busy.  My other children have kept me so busy the last four years.  I’m thankful for that.   I’m so thankful for them in so many ways.

Just yesterday, I went to the grocery store alone which is a rarity.   Although the peace and quiet was nice, I missed having the kids with me.   Normally, Ciara and Ella and Logan are helping bag the groceries.   Their presence is such a normal part of my daily life.  I sometimes wonder if I will regress in this grief when the others are grown and gone and I have to face each day without them as well.

Holidays are hard.  Nolan was such a happy, joyful kid.  He loved family.  He loved the holidays.  Our final Thanksgiving together was spent at my sister’s house where we had the usual happy family time.  We played board games.  We feasted.  We talked.  We laughed.  Nolan and Logan helped Uncle Bruce with some wood, (we have some nice pictures).    I remember the day after Thanksgiving we received an unexpected check in the mail.  I talked with Nolan about what we would do with it, something nice for hte family.  I believe the boys’ friend, Jake, came over that day to hang out later in the day, after we had decorated the Christmas tree.

Today, I almost bought a new Christmas tree which we really need, but I hesitated because of the cost.  I came home and began playing some music.  I realized if I bought a new tree, it would be a tree that had never been here with Nolan which made me sad.  It’s hard replacing things sometimes.  We have these lamps that Nolan and Logan decorated that last holiday season, 2012, with gold ribbon.  One no longer works, but I still have it sitting on the piano.  I don’t want to replace it, even though I should.

I listened to See You Again (Carrie Underwood), Be Still (the Fray), and Auld Lange Syne (Colbie Callout) and bawled my eyes out.  Now… the kids need me.  So I’ll pull myself together and drive Liam to his friend’s house, cook dinner, and go the gym.  I’ll keep moving.   We’ll enjoy the holidays because everyone still deserves to have joy in their lives.  And I’m sure I’ll cry some more.

I miss you Nolan.  That’s never going to change.



One Comment Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    You will always miss him and your love will never die. I hope the excruciating pain will ease. I remember how hard it was for me after four years. It felt like it would never get any easier. But one day, it wasn’t as torturous. Thinking of you at this difficult time.


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