Anxiety Sucks… Have I Used That Title Before?

I’m not sure what happens to women as they age exactly.  I know that hormonally things start to get funky once we hit puberty.  Then, it seems to calm down into a nice steady rhythm until motherhood.   Motherhood, the greatest gift of all, then wreaks havoc on the body of a woman.    And, I can’t say this is a scientific fact, but I think the more pregnancies, the more it does so.

Personally, the anxiety hit me when I was pregnant with my 4th child.  Although this was my 4th child, it was my 7th pregnancy.  Did the multiple miscarriages have anything to do with it?  I’m unsure.   But yes, first time I had an all-out anxiety attack, I didn’t know what it was and I called 911.  That was just a  few days before my sweet son was born.

After his birth, I would occasionally get anxiety.  I eventually got on an as needed anxiety pill.  And I started exercising again.  The combination worked wonders.    Honestly, I don’t know how often I had anxiety attacks during those next few years.  I had them sometimes. i liked having the anxiety medication in my purse.  Just knowing it was there calmed me down.

I was doing ok.

Then my 13 year old son died.  In his sleep.  No Warning.  From an unknown heart condition caused by an every day, run of the mill virus.

I stopped being ok.  In so many ways, I stopped being ok.

The grief, well, that is a never ending ocean of sadness and sorrow and emptiness.

Then you have the anger.

And there is the fear.

That fear has fed my anxiety to a whole new level.  There are days when my anxiety feels unmanageable.  My fear because i know that every weird stupid ache and pain and whatever you feel could kill you.  Without warning.

So I have fear and anxiety and oh, lo and behold, now i have high blood pressure.

It’s been a really bad couple weeks.

Anxiety sucks.

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