I have used the F word way more since Nolan died. Honestly, there isn’t a word strong enough to depict the anger, sadness, grief, sorrow, horror that I feel. The F word comes closer than anything else though.
I went to bed upset last night because my fifteen year old son was excluded from a group outing AGAIN… Same group of “friends.” Ha. Friends. We wouldn’t even have to know if not for the wonderful Fucking world of social media.
We have such a freaking small circle in our community that I feel strangled and trapped and oh so angry when I know my kids are left out. Kids get left out. That’s part of growing up. I get it. I understand. But you know it hurts. And social media makes it so IN YOUR FACE that I think it is unfair to kids. If it hurts me this much, how much does it hurt my son?
Then, this morning, I woke to see a woman post on Facebook about a 7 year old boy who died from the same thing as Nolan. (Myocarditis) Sudden Death. no warning. And I cried. I cried for this young 7 year old boy and his family that is reeling today. I cried for that mom who may start using the F word because nothing else is going to quite cover how angry she is. I cried for me because I miss my son. I cried for Nolan because he didn’t get to grow up. I cried for Liam because he lost his best friend when he lost his brother and now he’s alone without a best friend anymore because kids can’t be trusted. I cried because I don’t like saying FUCK YOU to the world, but that is how I feel today.