Life isn’t F…ing Fair

100_4453I have used the F word way more since Nolan died.  Honestly, there isn’t a word strong enough to depict the anger, sadness, grief, sorrow, horror that I feel.   The F word comes closer than anything else though.

I went to bed upset last night because my fifteen year old son was excluded from a group outing AGAIN… Same group of “friends.”  Ha.  Friends.  We wouldn’t even have to know if not for the wonderful Fucking world of social media.

We have such a freaking small circle in our community that I feel strangled and trapped and oh so angry when I know my kids are left out.  Kids get left out.  That’s part of growing up.  I get it.  I understand.  But you know it hurts.  And social media makes it so IN YOUR FACE that I think it is unfair to kids.  If it hurts me this much, how much does it hurt my son?

Then, this morning, I woke to see a woman post on Facebook about a 7 year old boy who died from the same thing as Nolan.  (Myocarditis)  Sudden Death.  no warning.  And I cried.  I cried for this young 7 year old boy and his family that is reeling today.  I cried for that mom who may start using the F word because nothing else is going to quite cover how angry she is.  I cried for me because I miss my son.  I cried for Nolan because he didn’t get to grow up.  I cried for Liam because he lost his best friend when he lost his brother and now he’s alone without a best friend anymore because kids can’t be trusted.  I cried because I don’t like saying FUCK YOU to the world, but that is how I feel today.

 

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    Just as you cried for someone else who is beginning this horrible grief journey, I cry for you.
    I am so sorry for your anguish. It’s understandable and horrible. I’m really glad you’re able to write about it.
    Thinking of you. And your 15-year-old son.

    Liked by 1 person

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