I’m a Liar

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When Nolan died, I really wanted my faith to help me.  I attempted to pray.  For Lent that first year, I attempted to pray the Divine Mercy prayer daily.   I think I even said I would read the bible.  It’s been four long years, so I can’t remember for sure.

It didn’t help though.  In those early days, I begged God to help me to find understanding.  I wished for a sign.  Something.  Anything.  When your 13 year old son dies in his sleep completely unexpectedly, it’s hard to trust God.  So I think it is completely understandable for me to need Him to provide a sign or some sort of peace.

Well, He didn’t.  Instead, I’ve grown further and further from my faith.  I rarely pray.  And when I do, I’m cynical.

When friends ask for prayers on social media, email, etc., I usually respond, “Will do.”  But you know what?  I’m a liar.  I rarely pray anymore.  If I do pray, of course I will pray for my friends.  But with a faith as shoddy as mine, well, it’s just not happening most of the time.

Some would said that you have to pray to have faith.  Well, I need some faith in order to pray.  I don’t understand why God wouldn’t understand that unless He isn’t listening, He doesn’t care, or He doesn’t exist.

 

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    I admit to feeling exactly the same as you in this arena. I was envious of those who had faith to help them through. I felt nothing except abandonment by God. I was angry.
    I’m glad you can write and express those feelings. The worst thing is to suppress them.
    Thinking of you. Grief is the loneliest journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My husband has this super strong faith which I envy! And I attempt to act like i have faith for the sake of my kids. I want them to have faith even if I do not.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Judy says:

        Men and women grieve differently anyway – but the divide with your husband is truly an abyss. For you to “act” and feel shamed by these feelings is a HUGE burden. Your feelings are valid. I did not add to my comment that I did find faith eventually – many, many years later. Perhaps that might happen for you. Your kids will mirror you and sometimes just going through the motions is actually a sign of amazing faith. It means you are trying, despite tremendous adversity. Despair hasn’t erased your hopefulness. You want only the best for your family and that shines through. I am thinking of you.

        Like

  2. I have struggled with my faith since Jason died, and I will be the first to admit it. My dad was a preacher, so I grew up in the church. It’s hard when the faith you thought you had and the God you trusted to protect your children seems to have moved His hand away and allowed your child to die. I used to wake up nearly every night and pray and pray for my children and for their protection. But then Jason died. I still can’t get my head around it. I rarely go to church any more for many reasons, but I don’t want to lose the belief that I will see Jason again. Early on, I felt like my faith was a tree, chopped off at ground level. The roots were still there and had grown deep over the years, but nearly everything I thought I knew about God was gone. I always expected my faith to grow again, just looking different than it had. I’m not sure how much it’s grown, though. Even after all these years, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

    I’m sorry for your loss. Such a handsome young man.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry you have experienced this terrible loss as well. Your metaphor with the tree is a good one.

      Like

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