I’m one of those people who change my profile and cover pictures frequently on social media. It’s kind of like changing outfits…. I figure I want to wear something different sometimes.
Since Nolan’s death nearly 4.5 years ago, at least one of the two (profile or cover) include him. Usually. Perhaps on Mothers’ Day, I will post a pic of me and my mom, but the cover photo will still be all of my kids. Or on Liam’s birthday, I may post a pic of him, but the other may be him and Nolan.
Every so often, it’s like it is today where neither picture includes him. Currently, I have a profile picture of me doing a headstand. I’m pretty proud of that, so there it is. And my cover picture is from my 15 year old’s confirmation ceremony this week.
And I feel a little guilty. I feel like Nolan always needs to be front and center so that he is not forgotten. I feel like he’s such a huge part of me that I want him right there for the world to see.
I realize it’s a little silly to feel guilty about something as insignificant as profile pictures on social media, but grief is odd like that. Grief makes us, the living, feel guilty about many different things on different days. Sometimes you feel guilty when you feel happy; sometimes you feel guilty when you are doing something you know your beloved would love; and sometimes you feel guilty because you didn’t include him on your profile page.
Grief sucks. Losing my child sucks. I miss him so much.