The Question that is Never Answered


This is one of those days where I look at my pictures of Nolan on Facebook and the unfairness of life slaps me in the face.  I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the unfairness that exists.   I have a friend who lost her 4 year old daughter from a brain tumor five years ago, just a couple of months before we lost Nolan.  At the time, I was struck with such immense sadness for their loss.   I even remember where I was when I read the news that she had died.   Little did I know that Nolan would be gone just a short time later, Nolan who, at the time, was playing in his last soccer game of the season with Brookside soccer which turned out to be the last soccer game of his life.   I’m struck by unfairness because this family, this wonderful family, was just given the news about a week ago that their 14 year old son has a cancerous brain tumor as well.  ?#!&@!!!!!!

Although these are people that I do not know well, that live many miles from me, I spent the day that I heard that news in tears.  In tears and very angry.

These children.  Our children.  What gifts they are not only to us, but to the whole world!!!!

Nolan was such an amazing boy.  I look at his smile in my pictures, these two dimensional memories that I can hold in my hand.  I walk by the Nolan Connors board at our co-op and I blow a kiss and touch his photographed face.  And I’m struck by my loss.  I’m struck by his loss.  I’m struck by the world’s loss.   How many wonderful things would he have done?  From the simple things like being helpful to me each day (oh he was so helpful!) to being that kind friend to others to becoming an adult who would do great things.

We were all robbed.    Why?  Why did he have to die?  Why didn’t we have a chance to save him?

I look at Peter, the boy with cancer.  His mom told me he was going to start high school this year.  He’s talented and funny.  His parents love him.  His siblings love him.  His aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins love him.  He’s only 14.  His parents already lost a child just 5 short years ago.  Why?  Why would this happen to them?

I’m pretty angry about it all.  I struggle with my anger.  I practice yoga which a big part of yoga is allowing yourself to feel peaceful, allowing yourself to let go of all those thoughts (angry, stressful, busy) while you are on your mat.   I’m good about it for that hour on my mat.    And I’m thankful for those hours on my mat where I can have some peace.

I’m also a busy mom who is so busy most days where I don’t have time to think.  Not having time to think means that I don’t have time to focus on my anger, my questions of why.  I need to look at my hectic schedule as a blessing because it’s true.  When I’m driving from here to there, working at my catering job, helping Logan with his English, teaching first graders Art at coop, I don’t have time to feel angry or sad.

But when I have time to think, I can’t help it.  I’m mad.  And I’m questioning, wondering, needing to know WHY?

Oh that unanswered question.



2 Comments Add yours

  1. Judy says:

    After my son died, I found there were no answers – only more and more questions. The unfairness and my anger was probably the worst part of grieving for me. It’s so insidious and poisonous. It isolated me from everyone around me.
    It’s good you have the outlet to write about it. You are doing the best you possibly can – putting one foot in front of the other. I am here to write to you that after 25 years I remember my grief and sadness but it’s not as gut wrenching any more. There may never be an answer to your question of “Why?” but one day it will be easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i do wonder if my anger will ever subside. i find it hard to even think of nolan because of my anger.


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