I just asked Ella if she remembers Nolan spending time with her.  She says she does.  But I can’t help but wonder.  She turned 2 just eleven days before he died.  And it’s been 4 years.   She just asked me how old she was when he spent time with her.  And I said, “Well,…

Social Media Guilt

I’m one of those people who change my profile and cover pictures frequently on social media.  It’s kind of like changing outfits…. I figure I want to wear something different sometimes. Since Nolan’s death nearly 4.5 years ago, at least one of the two (profile or cover) include him.  Usually.  Perhaps on Mothers’ Day, I…

My Husband’s Words

My husband delivered the eulogy at Nolan’s funeral.   I’ve had people ask me for a copy of it since then & for some reason, I could never get it to pull up.  He saved it in his google drive which meant when he emailed it to me, I couldn’t access it on my old…

I Know It’s Wrong….

When people post on Facebook about their “miracles” or their child getting over something major or the “close call,”  I can’t help it.  I’m pissed.  I’m angry.  I’m jealous. It’s not that I would wish the bad stuff to happen to my friends or their families, their children.  It’s not that. But it is SO…

I’m a Liar

When Nolan died, I really wanted my faith to help me.  I attempted to pray.  For Lent that first year, I attempted to pray the Divine Mercy prayer daily.   I think I even said I would read the bible.  It’s been four long years, so I can’t remember for sure. It didn’t help though….

Life isn’t F…ing Fair

I have used the F word way more since Nolan died.  Honestly, there isn’t a word strong enough to depict the anger, sadness, grief, sorrow, horror that I feel.   The F word comes closer than anything else though. I went to bed upset last night because my fifteen year old son was excluded from…

Anxiety Sucks… Have I Used That Title Before?

I’m not sure what happens to women as they age exactly.  I know that hormonally things start to get funky once we hit puberty.  Then, it seems to calm down into a nice steady rhythm until motherhood.   Motherhood, the greatest gift of all, then wreaks havoc on the body of a woman.    And,…

Off-Topic, But HEY, I Love my kids…

Thoughts on social media and kids: Sometimes I wonder if, as parents, we should encourage our kiddos to post less on social media. Not necessarily for the reason you may think… I’m thinking of how many times kids get their feelings hurt over friendships and popularity and everyone hanging out without inviting so and so…….

The Tree is Up

The day after Thanksgiving is the day we put up the Christmas tree.  It’s tradition.  Tradition from the days before I was even a mother.  Of course, it becomes more special when you are a mom enjoying the tradition with your children. I remember one Christmas several years ago, not sure exactly how many.  Nolan…

The Holidays, the Songs, and the Tears

Tomorrow is the 4th Thanksgiving without Nolan. I’m sitting in my bedroom, which I am supposed to be cleaning, listening to music (in between the complaints of Liam about doing the dishes), crying. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked how I was doing.  Of course, what do you say to that…

Sometimes….

Sometimes I will be doing ok.  Life is happening, you know, the living life….  And then I see pictures (or something) regarding someone that is Nolan’s AGE…   And I feel how brutally unfair it all is…. Nolan would be a Junior in high school… dances… driving… dates… ACT’s, SAT’s…. college prep…. fights with mom…

Plagued by Dark Nighttime Thoughts

I’ve been struggling the last couple nights as I rest in bed in an anything but restive state.  I’m feeling a sense of foreboding as my breath struggles, my chest feels heavy.  It’s like anxiety, but it’s not.  It’s different.  Which….  then… makes me think, “What’s wrong with me?”  Then I think of Nolan. I…