This Time of Year is Hard

As we speed toward October and what has traditionally been our favorite time of year, I find myself feeling sad and overwhelmed at unexpected moments.  I’m thinking of Nolan a lot right now.  Just those moments popping into my head as we pick our pumpkins and ella asks, Why 7?  And I have to explain…

I Miss You Son

When I think of the young man that you will never grow to be, I am overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all.  Sometimes I still catch myself thinking THIS CAN’T BE TRUE!!!! It’s been nearly 4 years. 4 freaking years.  4 hellish years.  4 miserable years.  4 anxiety-filled years.  4 I wish I had…

Grief and Divorce

I see why it happens. They say that the percentage of couples who divorce after the death of a child is astronomical. I see why. You think it won’t happen because you have both just suffered the same devastating loss.  The loss is life changing.  The loss is soul changing.  The loss is marriage changing….

After All This Time….

It really hasn’t been that long.  1313 days.  3 years, 7 months, 5 days. Of course, it feels like it has been a lifetime since I’ve seen you, hugged you goodnight, heard you say, “I Love you Mom.” 1313 days since I lost you, my precious 13 year old son. Some may think, “Why the…

I Don’t Like Myself Sometimes

I’ve written before (either here or on one of my other blogs) about how ugly my jealousy has been since Nolan’s death.  It makes me feel like a truly evil person at times how much I struggle with bad thoughts when I hear of other people going through a difficult time. If I hear that…

Sweet Nolan

today i thumbed through an old notebook/folder of yours that held your scouting materials.  i traced your name, written by you, and breathed in the fact that YOUR hand was once in that same spot. those moments are becoming fewer.  moments of finding something of yours that i haven’t looked through since your death.  i…

When Can I Write?

I have so many thoughts.  I have so many ideas.  My world is distracting.  I have children.  i have family.  I have responsibilities. I have ideas.  I have thoughts. When will I write them down?  When will I put pen to paper?  When will the stories be created? I read these amazing stories and I…

I’m Tired

sometimes i wonder if i would be so tired if Nolan were alive. grief is a heavy, heavy burden. and one way i cope with that burden is to keep extremely busy.  we are ALWAYS busy.  it’s the only way I think I have survived Nolan’s death. when i do finally have some downtime, i’m…

The Not Knowing

Nolan had asthma.  And allergies. Oh, we never had him tested.  But his asthma was often seasonal.  So I’m sure there were some allergies at play. His asthma started so early.  He was a preemie.  “Healthy.”  But… he ended up in the hospital at 4 months of age with RSV.    From that point on,…

The Ugliness of a Grieving Mother’s Jealousy

So many times I hear of “good news” about someone who has survived something due to a “miracle” or God being so “good” and I feel some very ugly thoughts.  It’s not that I wish this same hell on anyone, but I don’t get the unfairness of it.  And I never will. I’m often faced…

Pushing People Away

Do you ever do this? I’ve seen myself do it sometimes.  I can’t say it is on purpose.  It’s not.  I thrive on social interactions, fun distracting conversations.  Yes, distracting.  Being with people is distracting from the pain. But sometimes, I just don’t have the energy to be a good friend.   I see it…

I Used to Have it More Together

I remember those early days of motherhood.  I used to make sure my kids looked so nice before we walked out the door.  I loved to have the kids in matching outfits, even better if it happened to match me.   Each kid had church shoes and church clothes.  I shopped at Gymboree, Gap Kids,…