Life isn’t F…ing Fair

I have used the F word way more since Nolan died.  Honestly, there isn’t a word strong enough to depict the anger, sadness, grief, sorrow, horror that I feel.   The F word comes closer than anything else though. I went to bed upset last night because my fifteen year old son was excluded from…

Anxiety Sucks… Have I Used That Title Before?

I’m not sure what happens to women as they age exactly.  I know that hormonally things start to get funky once we hit puberty.  Then, it seems to calm down into a nice steady rhythm until motherhood.   Motherhood, the greatest gift of all, then wreaks havoc on the body of a woman.    And,…

Off-Topic, But HEY, I Love my kids…

Thoughts on social media and kids: Sometimes I wonder if, as parents, we should encourage our kiddos to post less on social media. Not necessarily for the reason you may think… I’m thinking of how many times kids get their feelings hurt over friendships and popularity and everyone hanging out without inviting so and so…….

The Tree is Up

The day after Thanksgiving is the day we put up the Christmas tree.  It’s tradition.  Tradition from the days before I was even a mother.  Of course, it becomes more special when you are a mom enjoying the tradition with your children. I remember one Christmas several years ago, not sure exactly how many.  Nolan…

The Holidays, the Songs, and the Tears

Tomorrow is the 4th Thanksgiving without Nolan. I’m sitting in my bedroom, which I am supposed to be cleaning, listening to music (in between the complaints of Liam about doing the dishes), crying. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked how I was doing.  Of course, what do you say to that…

Sometimes….

Sometimes I will be doing ok.  Life is happening, you know, the living life….  And then I see pictures (or something) regarding someone that is Nolan’s AGE…   And I feel how brutally unfair it all is…. Nolan would be a Junior in high school… dances… driving… dates… ACT’s, SAT’s…. college prep…. fights with mom…

Plagued by Dark Nighttime Thoughts

I’ve been struggling the last couple nights as I rest in bed in an anything but restive state.  I’m feeling a sense of foreboding as my breath struggles, my chest feels heavy.  It’s like anxiety, but it’s not.  It’s different.  Which….  then… makes me think, “What’s wrong with me?”  Then I think of Nolan. I…

This Time of Year is Hard

As we speed toward October and what has traditionally been our favorite time of year, I find myself feeling sad and overwhelmed at unexpected moments.  I’m thinking of Nolan a lot right now.  Just those moments popping into my head as we pick our pumpkins and ella asks, Why 7?  And I have to explain…

I Miss You Son

When I think of the young man that you will never grow to be, I am overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all.  Sometimes I still catch myself thinking THIS CAN’T BE TRUE!!!! It’s been nearly 4 years. 4 freaking years.  4 hellish years.  4 miserable years.  4 anxiety-filled years.  4 I wish I had…

Grief and Divorce

I see why it happens. They say that the percentage of couples who divorce after the death of a child is astronomical. I see why. You think it won’t happen because you have both just suffered the same devastating loss.  The loss is life changing.  The loss is soul changing.  The loss is marriage changing….

After All This Time….

It really hasn’t been that long.  1313 days.  3 years, 7 months, 5 days. Of course, it feels like it has been a lifetime since I’ve seen you, hugged you goodnight, heard you say, “I Love you Mom.” 1313 days since I lost you, my precious 13 year old son. Some may think, “Why the…

I Don’t Like Myself Sometimes

I’ve written before (either here or on one of my other blogs) about how ugly my jealousy has been since Nolan’s death.  It makes me feel like a truly evil person at times how much I struggle with bad thoughts when I hear of other people going through a difficult time. If I hear that…